A love beyond love...
Unconditional love holds no prisoners. It is love beyond love. There are no tests here; no prerequisites or demands to be met. It just is. It resides in a place beyond jealousy or possession, because there is nothing to grasp or hold onto when it is your own soul’s reflection that stands before you. There is nothing that can be lost when everything has been found.
In some of my past relationships, I have been on the receiving end of a false kind of jealousy; the type that never quite rings true but placates a greedy ego just the same. False jealousy involves a lot of control. There’s a lot of noise, a lot of accusation, but no real emotion underneath the drama. But pre-awakening and pre-twin, when we’re still fast asleep, this sort of jealousy serves a purpose because our ego interprets it as a form of affection, as proof of love. It feasts on the jealousy in order to satisfy the lingering doubts that arise from somewhere deeper. It knows the declarations of love it has both received and given are not real. And how can they be? The ego doesn’t know how to love. It just wants to acquire things; to have a need met; to feel something, anything, in order that it may inflate itself enough to disguise its own hollowness.
It works both ways of course; I also experienced many artificial, knee-jerk reactions of jealousy in the past. The ego witnesses or suspects that our so-called-partner (who professes to love us) is flirting with other people. In response, it lashes out and exposes its own fears and insecurities. This reaction delights your partner because their ego can then feed off your discomfort in order to feel important. Add an extra layer to this, and you might get accused of being unreasonable or told that it’s ‘all in your head,’; a tactic designed to make your ego feel even more insecure while elevating the other person’s to dizzying heights.
No true pain
In these situations, if we look close enough, we discover that our ‘jealousy’ covered up a deep self-loathing in the ego. It loathes itself because it knows on some level that this isn’t the love it wants or deserves. Still, it reacts and plays the game, humiliating itself in the process and falling deeper into the cycle of feeling even more unworthy. Secretly, it’s thrilled when its partner explodes in jealousy, because all the showiness helps to disguise the holes in the relationship. It covers up all that is missing and makes the ego feel that it is needed after all, and therefore loved. Yet all the while that this is going on, the ego is secretly aware of something. It is aware that on both sides there is a shallowness to this jealousy; it bruises, but it doesn’t cut. There is discomfort, yet no true pain. It doesn’t truly hurt. It doesn’t bleed. Deep down, our only use for this jealousy is to delude ourselves that we are significant in the other person’s eyes.
What, then, is the difference with perfect love? What sort of jealousy comes to visit us? Is it the same egotistical monster that plagued us before? Or is it something that cuts far more deeply?
Deeper than jealousy
In my experience, the level of pain and fear that I felt exceeded any old episode of jealousy. The thought of someone flirting with my twin, or him flirting with them, made me feel as though my soul was being torn open; that a part of me was dying. And why wouldn’t it? This was my own self. This was the highest love of all, and there was no room for even a hair’s breadth of hurt. The depth of our feelings and our vulnerability frightened us both. Was it even possible to live out an archetype of such heavenly love on the earth plane? Would we be able to survive? Would the utter love and the fierce need to protect it at any cost end up with us wearing each other down with fearful insecurities and accusations? Wouldn’t it all just be too much?
New colours and sensations
No longer was this about the textbook jealousy that we’d experienced in the past. Now we knew that our hearts were in each other’s hands, that someone held great power over us, and that we could be shattered at any moment. On top of that knowledge, we needed each other. We’d discovered a bliss and connection that had surpassed all that we’d previously known and we were thirsty for more. We wrote and we wrote, and we gave and we gave, but for the first time we also knew what it felt like to receive; to have someone pour an abundance of seemingly never-ending love over us. We knew what it was to love so deeply, purely, and boundlessly that we would die for the other person. But what if this love was also the death of us? What if the intensity of the energy destroyed us? It had already awoken us from our lethargy and complacency. It had stirred something that we’d forgotten about, and we were experiencing new colours and sensations. A whole new world had opened up to us - and not only was its brightness beautiful, but also blinding.
Everything became magnified. We’d been given the most precious thing in the world and now we were expected to guard it with our lives; to protect it at any cost, and for the mind and the ego this was simply too much. It was exhausting.
The fundamental truth
It was around this time that my twin confided in me that he had a habit of sabotaging things, and he feared that once we were properly together he would somehow ruin it. He assured me that he would never deliberately do anything to hurt me, but he was concerned that this uncontrollable part of him would rise up to obstruct our happiness. When he told me this, I understood and recognised myself in his words. Even though he didn’t realise it at the time, he was describing my own past behaviour. The ego wants to prod and test and make sure that something is real, but in its own self-hatred, it will try to obliterate the love that it is shown. It can’t just accept that it is truly loved. It sets out to destroy the love in order to show that it isn’t loveable, and in doing so it gets addicted to acting this way so that it can prove it is right. Sub-consciously, it will come up with all manner of ideas to destruct the very thing it wants. It might put on lots of weight to test whether it’s just the body that is loved. It might become depressed to see whether the other person can handle it. It might drink more, gamble more, and goad more. It will do just about anything to distract from the fundamental truth; it doesn’t feel it deserves to be loved so it will give you just about any reason it can think of not to be loved.
Because my twin was being so honest with me, and because I’d experienced these behaviours myself, I could reassure him just the way I would want to be reassured. I wrote back; ‘You can try your best to make me not love you, but it won’t happen. Whatever it is your sub-conscious wants or needs to do, it will make no difference to me. I will always be right there by your side waiting for you to rise up from the darkness. And if you find yourself down in the gutter, if that’s how bad things need to get, I’ll be down there with you. Because there is nothing you can ever do that would make me not love you.’
Patterns and wounds
He replied saying that he didn’t understand how I always said the exact thing that he needed to hear, and also the things that he hadn’t even realised he needed to hear. The reason I knew how he needed to be loved; the reason I knew how he needed to be seen and understood, was because he was the same as me; the same soul battling the same egoic conditioning; the same patterns and wounds had us bound in chains that labelled us unworthy and unloveable. I simply told him what I myself would have wished to hear.
Souls not scars
The utter strength and purity of the Twin flame love is strong enough to break all of these chains, heal all of these wounds, and melt away all that is not real. It also brings us to the graceful place where we finally understand unconditional love. My twin once said, ‘Even if you hated me, I would love you still.’ Before him, I couldn’t have understood that statement, but now I do. For we are not our anger, wounds, or self-sabotage. We are not our storylines, our fear, or our labels. We are the love behind those things; we are souls not scars. And what sort of love denies itself in the presence of resistance? What sort of love withdraws itself when challenged? What sort of love fades away because it thinks only of its own seeming starvation? What sort of love is it that can forget itself so easily?
This Twin flame love, at its core, is not about taking but giving, and it will ask you to give everything. It will ask you to surrender this love to the universe without fear, and without the ego attempting to snatch it back and hold it hostage. The ego doesn’t want to share this love. Why would it? It’s the sweetest thing it’s ever tasted and it demands all of it. But what would perfect love do? I have spoken to the universe intimately. I have fallen to my knees and found myself saying, ‘Listen, I need you to know that if there is someone who could love him more than I, someone who could make him happier, and he loves them that way too, if he loves them more than he loves me, then let him have that. Let him be happy. That is my greatest wish, for him to know his own worth, for him to be loved.’ The reason I was able to give him away, was because in my heart, I know he cannot be lost. Love cannot be lost. And I cannot lose myself.
Falling at my feet
I now understand why true love is not possessive, limiting, or conditional. I learnt this by diving deep into it, way beyond any superficial layers of ownership claimed by the ego. This time of separation and silence has invited me to know this love wholly and completely. Unconditional love realises that the ego will do what it needs to do until it has burnt itself out, whenever that may be. My love is fierce and true but it does not need to be jealous. It does not need to bind or cling or force. It does not say ‘I will only love you, if you love me.’ It loves regardless. It loves deeply and utterly and profoundly. It loves endlessly. Even if my twin feels the need to sleep his way around the entire world before falling at my feet, it loves. It loves if he stays. It loves if he leaves. For it understands that it is only the ego that runs amok and travels to distant places.
It loves even if he appears not to. It loves that way because it has no choice. It loves him just the way I deserve and need to be loved, the way we all do; unreservedly and without stipulation. It loves unconditionally because it knows the truth. It sees past the terror of the ego and its deceptions, and it recognises its true self. It sees the face of what has always been; the face that it has loved since the beginning of time. It sees its own reflection. And it looks like pure love.