MY STORY

My aim in creating this site is to help people who are in pain from the departure of their twin flame, and to share things that I've learnt on my journey of awakening. It is not up to me (or anyone else) to tell you whether you have met your twin or not. I do, however, understand the desperate need for outside help or confirmation when your twin has departed abruptly. I think this form of help should come from sharing experience and insight, and looking within, not from having psychic readings done. 

Knowing whether you have met your twin or not, is a deeply personal thing, and although on one level you do know, it is very hard not to become afraid, doubtful, and fearful when they have cut you off. This is because the fearful ego-mind shouts louder than the quiet knowingness of the soul. If you are confused but know there is a connection there, I may be able to shed some light on that having also experienced a powerful soulmate encounter, a sociopath, and subsequently, my twin. If my path hadn't prepared me with those other experiences, I would have found it harder to recognise the differences. For example, my soulmate connection was an unbelievably intense sense of recognition and a very strong bond, so much so, that I thought I knew everything there was to know about love. Yet when my twin turned up, many years later, I realised there was a love far beyond what I'd experienced; which is not to belittle the power or meaningfulness of a soulmate encounter, but merely serves to highlight the utter immensity of coming face to face with your own soul essence in the physical form of another body. 

I'm not going to write out the stages of the twin flame union here, simply because although I feel there is a universal, intricate pattern to the whole experience, I can only tell you what happened to me. Maybe your story is slightly different to mine, but that is because we all have our own destiny and our own path to follow. The most important thing we have to realise, though, is that the separation is absolutely vital to cause the shock and pain that triggers awakening. The articles I will be writing are to help you navigate your path by sharing the realisations I came to as I began to awaken. Of course, at first, the only reason I wanted to awaken was to end the horrific pain I was in and be reunited with my twin.  But further along the line I realised what a gift this separation was, because meeting Jed provoked so much fear to the surface that I lived in constant terror of not being good enough for him; as well as being consumed by the relentless fear of losing him. Now I have to face those fears, and I am learning that although physical separation has taken place (in the dream), as soul essence we are not separate, so he can never be lost. 

The one thing that almost drove me to the edge of madness was the depth of pain and longing when he went away. It felt like I would die. To love someone and be loved so deeply, then have it taken away, was shattering. It really is a pain like nothing I've encountered before, and no matter what I read about twin flames, no-one seemed to have the remedy of how to cope with that pain. Bit by bit, the answers came to me, and once again, that is something I will write about in greater depth later. 

So now I want to give you a brief overview of my personal story, which may or may not resonate with your own.  I met Xavier when I was around thirty years of age. I'd just come out of my first marriage so I was not naive to emotions and relationships, but when I met him, it was an instant sense of recognition and deep love. I remember feeling overwhelmed with the emotions; like I finally understood what love was. I knew him, and I loved him. Things were not simple, however, as Xavier was ill and depressed. His emotional unavailability caused me terrible pain, and in the end I distanced myself from him. Shortly afterwards, he died suddenly and unexpectedly (he was just 34) and I was devastated. I felt that my fears - as well as his own - had sabotaged our chance of happiness. I honestly felt that there was no way I could ever, ever love anyone like that again, and certainly never more. 

Six years later, my life was spiraling out of control. I seemed to go from one bad relationship to the next. I'd just had a traumatic 

break-up with someone and was deeply depressed. This is when Richard - a sociopath and expert at mirroring behaviour - arrived in my life. Although Richard professed to having the same desires and interests as me, I felt no soul connection to him. But what I did feel was a chronic need to be with someone who seemed to adore me so much. He told me that he'd never felt this way before; that he would die if I left him; that he wanted to marry me etc. Of course, these are all things a twin could say or feel, but with Richard there was a paper-thin shallowness to all his declarations. They were glib and unconvincing, but because I was so low and starved of love, I pushed my doubts to one side.

 

As is a trait of sociopaths, he mirrored me by pretending his beliefs and values were the same as my own, so that at first it felt familiar and easy, almost like dating an old friend. Deep down, I didn't trust him, but I wanted to believe he was real so I quashed down my gut instincts, even after catching him out in multiple lies. He was very manipulative and waylaid my doubts by changing tactic, e.g proposing/threatening suicide. As soon as he had his prize (we got married) he dropped the act and became vengeful and malicious. (If this is sounding familiar to anyone, I would definitely suggest looking up sociopaths or love-bombing.) It was an absolutely horrendous time, but after I escaped the whole saga, I was able to look back and see that I had attracted him (and other unhealthy relationships) due to my own low self esteem and lack of self-love. At this point, I decided I would never again accept anything less than perfect love. I actually felt really peaceful about potentially spending the rest of my life alone. I was grateful for my bond with Xavier, and I felt a deep sense of relief and freedom.

Almost two years later, I attended a weekend art convention. On the first night, I was drinking in the bar on my own when Jed approached me. We talked for most of the night, and the next day he found me again. He had this look of someone shell-shocked who'd found themselves having feelings they hadn't expected to. I was a little distant with him, yet he kept finding me and asking me questions about myself. By the Sunday, I realised that I knew him. I really knew him. We had our first serious conversation, and I thought he was beautiful and intelligent and genuine, and when he alluded to us having fallen in love, I knew he was right. I hadn't, though, fully absorbed the magnitude of our connection, and I got in a taxi, said goodbye, and left him there. That was when it hit me, hour after hour, that I'd lost someone of great importance. It was this exquisite tangle of longing, grief, loss and peace. By the next day, I was inconsolable. It honestly seemed that the only place I'd ever belonged was with him. This was the soul that truly knew me. This was my teacher, my lover, my friend, and myself all rolled into one. 

As is often the case with twin flames, there was an age gap, and he was already in a relationship. Even so, I knew deep in my soul that it was okay to make contact with him. This wasn't a frivolous or selfish knowing. It was a profoundly sacred knowing - a kind of absolute knowing - one that couldn't be denied or ignored. It felt inevitable, somehow. For five months, we wrote up to fifty messages a day - messages filled with more love and grace than you can imagine. And whenever we tried to stop contact, it felt like we were dying. I could actually feel a weird sensation in my stomach and chest as if there were invisible chords connecting us. Strange synchronicities were taking place, and we had a odd telepathic connection.

 

Then, without warning, Jed cut me off, cruelly and abruptly. I can honestly say it was the worst grief I have ever known - an inhumane kind of grief, and of course it would be because your own self has pulled you into heaven then shut you out again. I went into absolute shock. It's very hard for me to think of that time because I really wanted to die. I felt that God had taken Xavier, then all that time later led me to a higher love, only to take him from me too. I begged and I prayed and I pleaded. I couldn't sleep or eat. I was like a zombie, except there was no numbness, only agonising pain and fear. Then seven days later, a random article about twin flames appeared on my laptop screen. It talked about the runner stage, and suddenly a chink of light appeared in the darkness. It was the only thing that made any sense. It didn't take away the pain, it didn't stop the suffering, but it did give me an insight into a bigger picture of the universe. And slowly but surely, I have been awakening ever since.

The only way to end suffering is to remember who we are, because who we truly are will not be suffering since the soul knows itself to be whole and complete. It knows the separation is an illusion. Do we really want to physically be with our twin while we are still sleeping? Do we want to be with them with our false ego-selves running the show? Or do we want to experience a sacred union where fear no longer reigns?​ That devastating, abrupt or cruel goodbye we received was actually our own reflection loving us enough to want to free us from suffering. They pushed us over the edge so we could crack open; so we could start to live from the soul's vastness rather than suffer because of our false beliefs about temporary characters and temporary storylines in a temporary dream.

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 2017. Light the Way Home - Genevieve Engel (England) 

Contact: Genevieveengel@outlook.com