I want to write in more detail about the abrupt abandonment that often takes place in Twin flame relationships; that moment when the one person you trusted with your life - who has loved you deeply and utterly - cuts you off without warning.
In the last few days I have been re-reading one of my favourite books of all time, Initiation, by Elisabeth Haich, (a true account of Twin flames, reincarnation and awakening). Towards the end of the book, Elisabeth talks about what she calls cruel love. She is referring to the time she withdrew her love and support in its entirety from her only son while he was suffering from a deep depression and crisis of faith. She knew that there was nothing more her love could do for him at that point and that the search he needed to undertake in order to find God had to be taken alone. It was torturous for her to abandon him when he was in such isolated agony, but she knew it was the only way he would ever be free of pain. He simply had to turn inwards and dive beneath the false self to remember his true origins. No matter how much she may have wanted to, she could not do this for him.
As Twins who have been abandoned, it is damn hard to trust at first that this desertion is an act of love. This, of course, is because we are judging the situation as the ego, as a result of which, we suffer deeply in those early days. But, in time, we begin to understand that the catalyst of the departure always stems from both twin’s inability to love themselves. I can see now that no matter how deeply, passionately, and infinitely I loved my twin, that the sheer power of my love was not enough to save him. It could not prove to him that he was loveable only that he was loved. I saw him as perfect; perfectly loveable and utterly deserving of the highest love, but how could my love verify his worth when he was oblivious to his true identity? As long as he mistook himself for his false self then no matter how deep my love burned he would always feel inferior to it.
Heaven on earth
The ego has spent its whole life seeking approval and trying to disguise its shameful sense of lack. Secretly, it is convinced that if someone else could just love it hard enough (in spite of its self-sabotaging tendencies) then this love would soak through its unworthiness, magically dissolving its excruciating sense of self-hatred. The problem is that the fierce light of true love eventually makes it feel worse instead of better. At first, the light of its twin is like nectar to it; recognising and loving this exquisite soul and being loved just as deeply in return, literally feels like heaven on earth. It is awash with hope, gratitude, and bliss, old fears and wounds momentarily forgotten. But then the ego rears its ugly head again and the darkness surges to the surface demanding that its flaws and terrors be examined. This is when the urge to escape begins. The Runner Twin wants out of the light before they are discovered to be unloveable. They want to run from the one thing they have always yearned for. They are beyond confused as their intellect wars itself against their intuition. They always saw true love as their salvation, and now they are discovering that it actually highlights all that they wish to deny and suppress.
No matter how we might think otherwise, this is true for both of the twins. No matter what my twin said or did, no matter the immense beauty that he showed me, there was nothing he could do to make me ‘love myself’ or see myself as he saw me. It is like someone trying to convince a sparrow that it's actually a dove when it's been raised as a sparrow for its entire life. A sparrow can’t be transformed into a dove no matter how much therapy or self-analysis it undertakes. Freedom only comes when we see that we were actually a dove all along wearing the temporary costume of a sparrow. My twin looked at me and saw a dove (his own reflection of the soul) but of himself he saw only the sparrow (ego-self). Likewise, I did the same. And no matter what words of adoration tumbled eloquently and sincerely from our lips, we could not be convinced of the truth.
And this is where the cruel love comes in. It is only when all hope is gone and when there is nothing left to cling to that we are able to truly turn the searchlight on ourselves. There is nowhere left to go, no place left to run. Utterly broken and faithless, we hit the wall. By snatching away their love, our twin is placing us on the very path we need to walk in order to find our truth. The ego will never be able to love itself. Only love can rediscover itself as love.
Living from intuition
While I walk this supposedly solitary path, I am constantly reminded that the eternal part of us; our soul, has not been separated. The other day I felt his pain and suffering as surely as I have ever felt anything. I knew he was in a terrible place and that he was hurting immensely. There was no doubt in my heart. I wanted with all of my being to reach out to him, but I have always known that that is the one thing that I can never do, at least not physically. Instead, I spoke to him in my heart and told him that he was loved, deeply and profoundly. I found myself wondering, though, if there was something else I needed to do; a visual sign that I could give him that would reassure him. Immediately a quiet, still voice spoke across my mind. It said ‘He needs something more visceral.’ I had no idea what the word ‘visceral’ meant. When I looked it up the description said, ‘Living from one’s intuition and relying on gut feelings rather than intellect.’ I feel this was a message for both of us. I was being told that he had to do this alone. He has to trust that his intuition is truthful and not be overruled by the head. I was also being told that my sensations of his being in pain were genuine and that I shouldn’t doubt myself either.
What we must repeatedly remind ourselves, is that the part of our twin that has run from us (reflecting our own need to run) is the false part. This is why the telepathy continues. This is why we feel each other’s pain and sadness – because the soul is intact. It can’t be split or divided. Think about this deeply. Who is it that denies or ridicules the connection? Who is it that thinks the fearful thoughts of separation and worries about ‘never seeing ‘him’ again?’ Who is it that ponders whether the universe has played an almighty trick on them? It is the voice in the head that we call ‘me.’ Underneath that voice is our soul, our real truth.
A familiar soul
We owe it to ourselves and our twin not to mistake them or us for the ego. When you first found them again (in this lifetime) you recognised, remembered, and loved the familiar soul that shone through the temporary character. So now, in what may be your darkest hour, you need to grasp this absolute truth and know with all your being they have not left and neither have you. The eternal truth is here and now. Even as they departed they returned. When we are afraid it is impossible to believe this, but the fact that we are afraid at all means it is not ‘us’ who is afraid but our ego. Essentially it doesn’t matter what the ego thinks as long as you do not mistake yourself for it.
The entire universe
When ideas and concepts fall away to reveal the truth then we are finally free. Instead of being tortured about thoughts of what our twin's ego-self is doing or thinking, we know without doubt that we are one soul. And instead of feeling devastation at their abrupt retreat, we feel gratitude that they were the one we entrusted on a divine level to begin the unravelling of our conditioned self. We know that this holy encounter is different from other teachers that we have met on our path; other loves that left us, abused us, or taught us. This meeting, this bond, always held grace at its centre. It held us at its centre. It wasn’t just a powerful or blessed collision. It had the force of the whole universe behind it. We met ourselves. We fell to our knees consumed with love and reverence and recognition. And then in one fell swoop, it was gone.
We had lost before of course; friends, lovers, even children, but when we ‘appeared’ to lose this, the most sacred thing we had ever found, we were torn wide open, beyond any repair or eventual recovery. But now we know that the one to strike the fatal blow; the one to shatter our dreams, did so only that we might turn finally to our darkest places. It’s the only way to reach the light, to go through the darkness. We felt abandoned, but we never were. We felt like a lot of things; unloveable, faithless, hated by God, but we weren’t those things either. We were always the light. But you see, we were never going to know that unless we found ourselves in the pitch black, because it was then that we realised we were the very light we’d always searched for. Light that had been denied and forgotten and covered up.
Over the edge
It is a beautiful thing that our own self , our own beloved twin, was the one to push us over the edge. Was it cruel? On the surface, yes. But without that brutal shove of grace, we would still be fast asleep, clinging fearfully to love, running from love, afraid of love. Now we get to be the love; a love that is us. A love that we simply cannot lose.
* I found the following link http://www.theself.com/sri_ramana.cfm of teachings by Sri Ramana invaluable in reminding myself of who I truly am; consciousness, beingness, God, or whatever term you may wish to use.