Something that I knew...
From an early age, I always knew there was a love that would fulfill me on every level, where I would be loved deeply and utterly, but I didn’t see any evidence of such a relationship around me. It was just something that I knew inside. I found it quite depressing that the relationships I witnessed were devoid of any magic or passion. It seemed normal for people in relationships to openly lust after other people and for it to be treated as some sort of amusing joke. Nobody seemed to kiss or touch each other, and even if they did it was a brief, routine goodbye kiss on the lips that appeared to be distracted, meaningless, and pointless. Not to mention the irritation or derision that seemed commonplace between partners, where they constantly put each other down or moaned about them behind their backs.
A deep and truthful place
In time, I forgot about the immense love that I sensed deep inside of me. I grew older and I also grew impatient, so that when I had my first serious relationship, I decided that the comfortable love and companionship I’d found somehow made up for the lack of passion and heart-wrenching love I’d always dreamt of. It wasn’t until later on when I met Xavier (See My Path so Far page) that I understood what it was like to recognise someone from a deep and truthful place. Before Xavier died, things became so painful between us that I reluctantly started a relationship with a man called Tom. This helped to distract me from the pain I felt but only served to widen the distance between myself and Xavier. Part of the reason I chose to enter the relationship with Tom was because he pursued me with such relentlessness whereas Xavier was deeply depressed and so caught up in his own problems that I honestly don’t think he understood how much he was hurting me. The one thing that was very evident about Xavier is that he was a total gentleman. He never lied to me, and always spoke to me with great respect. In stark contrast, it turned out that the doting Tom was actually a raging chauvinist with staunch ideas about how women should behave. The problem was I felt so grateful that he ‘loved me’ and kept me 'safe' from my pain that I simply drowned out the truth, which was that there was no true attraction or connection on my part, and also that the relationship was derogatory and demoralising.
After Xavier died, I could see clearly how I’d run away from something beautiful and I deeply regretted getting involved with Tom, but in my numbness and grief I continued to attract unhealthy relationships. The worse each experience was, the more unloveable I felt, and the situation snowballed. What is more, I knew these men didn’t love me, but I clung to their words and drowned out the voice of my soul. I was deeply unconscious at this time in my life and my ego-self was so desperate to be loved that it was willing to believe anything it was told. I tried to buy love by being the funniest and the sexiest and the prettiest which only made me feel more empty and unseen. And it was exhausting playing a part in order to ‘earn’ love and hide my unworthy self.
Hitting the wall
This whole repetitive pattern came to an end after Richard (the sociopath). I was finally able to see that my feelings of worthlessness had attracted all these relationships to me. I thought back over all the warning signs I’d ignored; every time that I’d dumbed myself down and convinced myself that things weren’t as bad as I thought. It really did take a terrifying and devastating relationship such as this one to bring things to a head. I’d hit the wall and I needed to understand why I’d behaved this way. Partly, my self-destructive actions were down to grief and regret. I’d had a soul connection that was powerful and beautiful but I’d lacked the courage to be open. I’d run away into the arms of Tom the chauvinist and blown my one chance of real love. Because I saw the future as empty and hopeless without Xavier, I thought that I had no choice but to settle for mediocre relationships. Not only that, but my false-self’s desperation to find someone that would ‘prove’ to me I was loveable had merely acted like a magnet to attract men who wanted to prove the exact opposite.
He knew me and I knew him
I could see clearly that my expectations had been dangerously, heart-breakingly low. I decided then and there I would never again accept anything but perfect love. Nothing less would do. I wasn’t willing to compromise or turn a blind eye to anything that felt wrong. To be honest, I fully expected to stay alone. I felt excited at the idea of never again having to endure the feeling of being alone in a relationship. It was just eighteen months later that I met my twin, Jed. The love and the connection surpassed any fantasy I had ever had about how true love would be. It exceeded the limits that my heart and soul had known up until that point. He knew me and I knew him, utterly, completely, and profoundly. I felt seen and understood. He made me feel that I was perfect just as I was. I didn’t have to try and earn his love or be anything other than what I already was, and neither did he.
The day that we first made contact through email (eight days after our initial physical encounter) we were already in the process of building up to say goodbye (due to his personal situation). That same afternoon I had an appointment I’d booked weeks before. It was a consultation for a Life Between Lives session where you’re hypnotised to access memories from inbetween other lifetimes. People were able to meet with their soul groups and find out more about their life paths. I’d initially booked the consultation as I wanted to know who Xavier was to me, and yet now I wondered if I was meant to know these things anymore; and if it was even a good idea to go ahead in the light of having met Jed.
During the consultation with the hypnotist, I started to have doubts. The lady openly criticised a previous client, saying how boring her and her soul group had been. She also said that because of all the Life Between Lives sessions carried out internationally so far, they had uncovered certain things which proved that my beliefs and expectations in regards to soulmates were outdated. Still, I tried to focus on the positives because I’d wanted this experience for such a long time, and we agreed that I would go away and think about whether I wanted to go ahead or not. She was giving me a lift to the train station, so we went outside and got into her car. It was then that I said something about Jed to her. I can’t remember exactly what it was, but I needed to share this amazing connection that was happening to me, and to query why it should be that we weren’t allowed to be together. Instantly she turned to me with a look of condescension and disbelief. ‘Oh dear,’ she said disdainfully, ‘You don’t understand soulmate relationships.’ To emphasise her point she actually turned the key and cut the car engine out. Turning to me, she said, ‘People just don’t seem to understand that they can have an entirely satisfying and very nice relationship with someone outside of their soul group.’
I can’t remember what she said after that, but I do know my cheeks were burning and my heart pounding I didn’t answer her back, just forced myself to make polite conversation for the rest of the journey, but it sounded forced and stilted. When I got out of her car at the station, I told her I would call her when I was ready to book the session. I think we both knew that I wouldn’t.
A holy encounter
I realised afterwards that it was a holy encounter. She was playing the exact part I needed her to play at that moment in time. I understood that I was never meant to have a Life Between Lives session because I was supposed to look inside my own soul for the answers. I had to learn to trust myself. Furthermore, I knew that she could not tell me what sort of love I should or should not accept, or what my personal destiny was. I think it was very much a spiritual test to see if I would be swayed by her judgement of me and her own personal beliefs - almost like a red herring. But I knew, without doubt, that no matter what she or anyone else said, I deserved a higher love, and that it was essential for my soul’s evolution. Being in a ‘satisfying’ or ‘nice’ relationship wouldn’t challenge me or provoke my deepest fears. To me, making an affirmation to accept perfect love meant I was willing to be brave. I was willing to experience what it felt like to have someone hold my heart and soul in their hands; to lay myself on the line and risk being irreversibly wounded.
The hypnotist lady was not alone in her beliefs. We are always being told that true love doesn’t exist and that we should accept the unexceptional and be grateful for it. But the fact is that meeting our Twin flame is, for us, a point of no return. When you’ve tasted perfect love, when you’ve tasted home and looked into the eyes of your own beloved soul, then nothing less than that is going to do. Like many twins, I now know what it is to be touched with reverence, to have somebody see me as the most sacred and precious thing in the whole world, and to feel the exact same way about them. I feel a deep sadness thinking of the relationships I previously endured, and how I gave my body to men that saw me as no more than an object or a personality or a conquest. It seems odd, somehow, to realise that any intimacy that took place in those relationships was between two temporary characters, and that the soul remained unseen and untouched. Yet now I understand what it is to be loved for the truth of who I am inside. Now I know what it is to love someone so much that I would die for them in an instant without hesitation or regret.
When I met my twin, I knew very quickly that I would never let another man touch me again. I still feel that way, even though it has been two years and four months since I last saw him, and two years since I last heard from him. My feelings remain exactly the same. The thought of allowing another man to kiss me makes me feel violated, lost, and hopeless. For me, there is no-one but him.
A million years
I know that people are starting to find it a little strange. It seems odd to them that I've been on my own for so long. (They don’t know about my twin of course). This only enforces to me how messed up society is. People think that there are plenty of people we could potentially have a nice relationship with. But that’s the problem. I won’t settle for nice anymore because I know I am worth more than that. I know my body is sacred and that I want to make love with the man I love utterly and completely, not have meaningless sex with someone else just because time has passed or because I’m too scared to be alone. I’m not scared to be alone because I feel him with me every day, and truth be known, I would wait a million years to be in his arms again; spend a million lifetimes alone just to find him.
Love in motion
It is devastating for twins who have chosen to remain celibate to understand how their twin can return to the set paradigm of an old relationship and be intimate with another. The only way I can understand it is to remember that it’s his ego clinging on to an old familiar life where he feels safe and in control, just as I was previously clinging on to the crutch of alcohol. Jed was used to conforming to the dysfunctional relationship he had found himself in because it was both accustomed and expected of him to accept this as normal and stay put. Society doesn’t teach women to see their body as sacred, let alone men. They’re just meant to hold everything together for the sake of children or appearances. That makes no sense to me. Surely the best example that I can give to my daughter, or my twin can give to his daughter, would be to let them see perfect love in motion; to let them know that true love is about connection and reverence and magic, not obligation, sacrifice, and humiliation. That way we are teaching them that they deserve the highest love of all. We are teaching them to love and honour themselves as sacred beings, so that one day they too may be held in devotion.
I have often read that Twin flames must understand that their union is not just about them; that it's not about the love between them and their own personal happiness but about the good of the planet as a whole. I feel that this concept is one that is based on the fear of reunion not happening. In other words, it's something to fall back on if we never see our twin again. For me, it doesn't ring true, because the reason that a Twin flame reunion brings so much love into the world is down to the fact that the twins have finally understood their own worth and their own divine origins. They lead by the example of denying fear and choosing perfect love; by overcoming the illusions of the ego. They are not meant to relinquish their personal love for humanity. Their love is the very light that humanity needs.
The real us
Some people are perfectly happy in comfortable or nice relationships. They are content to stay exactly where they are. And that’s okay. That’s their path in this particular lifetime, their destiny, and as such, it is none of my business. But for those of us who’ve met our twin, we can no longer entertain the idea of society’s framework for an acceptable relationship. We can no longer give ourselves away to people so utterly undeserving of us; people who don’t even see the real us. We have learnt that hearts race immediately or not at all. We would rather be alone than be with anyone but our twin. We would wait a million years rather than ever be touched without reverence again. This is the ultimate act of self-love. And this is how we will find our way home.